Revenge: Best Served with Eggs and Lemon
by Rose Kelvin
Summary: The story of Ella Wise and Willow Tein Lemontine at Hogwarts, and the choas that, as usual, ensues. Extremely AU, most characters OOC, rated for swearing and violence. If you read, you review, simple enough. xDD ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHUR NOTICE
1. Authors Notes: Don't skip over

AUTHORS NOTES

Okay, I'd normally skip these notes too, but seriously

HEY DOWN HERE LOOK HERE!! HELLO!!  
YOU WON'T GET THE STORY UNLESS YOU READ THIS BIT HERE!!!

Did I get your attention?

Alright, so, this is a VERY alternate universal (AU) story.

In this wonderful AU of mine, Voldemort isn't after Harry Potter, he's after Willow Tien Lemontine and Ella Wise. You see my Voldemort never did find Lily and James at Godricks hollow, on a count of the lucky fact that Wormtail had gotten the address wrong.

If you have read my other fan fiction, The Doctor Down Under, you may recognize Ella and Willow, well this Ella and this Willow are Ella and Willows equally evil counterparts in my wonderfully awesome AU.

Alright, making sense? Probably not, but all you really need to know is that

AU Harry Potter is incredibly Emo, because that's fun to write

AU Ron Weasley is incredibly stupid, also fun to write.

AU Hermione Granger is incredibly annoying, also fun to write. (don't get me wrong, JRK's Hermione Granger is awesome, my Hermione Granger just happens to be annoying)

AU Dumbledore is slightly more insane… just because

AU Voldemort is far more… shall we say comically evil. He wants to be evil evil, he tries to be evil evil, but it comes off funny.

In my AU Universe…

Sirius Black was never thrown in Azkaban, he became the Flying Teacher and Quidditch Referee at Hogwarts.

James Potter and Lily Potter were never murdered (YAY) Lily went on to become Head of the Department of Magical Law and Enforcement at the Ministry of Magic, and James, the DADA Professor at Hogwarts.

Remus Lupin's story goes along almost the same, he became the Ancient Runes Professor in Harry's 3rd year and didn't leave the post.

Peter Pettigrew still joined Voldemort out of fear (Say hello to Voldemorts wacky sidekick –ba doom doom chi!-)

Severus Snape is still in love with Lily, hates James and pretty much everyone at Hogwarts, and teaches Potions, also not leaving the post.

_**All other characters, places, names and anything else you recognize in this fanfiction belong to JRK. I don't claim to own anything other than Ella, Willow, my awesome Alternate Universe and the certain personality traits and story lines of the characters mentioned above. **_

**GIANT GREEN WOMBAT**

Sorry, I felt I was getting a bit to serious there.

Okay, so enjoy the story, and Read and Review

XDD  
~ LilyRose XD


	2. Prolouge: Middle, Beginning and End

A/N

HELLO

Okay, so thank you for starting this fanfiction, hope you like it xDD

Disclaimer: I own nothing, as I have mention, cept of course, for what I own.

Prologue: The Middle of the Beginning of the End

It was way to quiet.

Lord Voldemort was walking down a street in some country called Australia. If you had asked him what it was like, and you were lucky enough not to be killed on the spot, he would have said something along the lines of too hot, too far away from England or too suburban. But there was something unsettling about this particular street. It was long and dusty, like a street you would expect to find in the outback. Which would have been fine, it if wasn't in the middle of the eastern suburbs of Melbourne.

He was looking for an orphanage. He hadn't bothered to discover the name or address of such orphanage, for why would he when he could just picture what it looked like from the photo Wormtail had given him and apparated. However it wasn't until after Wormtail had gone that Voldemort had remembered that this was a muggle orphanage.

Now normally this wouldn't have fazed a man like Voldemort, but he was trying to keep this entire operation quiet. If anyone knew that he wasn't in Britain there would be hell to pay getting back in. Auror's and those bloody pests in the Order of the Phoenix would be at his every turn.

"Hey mister?" asked a voice.

Voldemort immediately reached for his wand, only to find that it wasn't there. Panicking slightly Voldemort looked around for the source of the voice, mentally reassuring himself that it was probably just some muggle.

"MISTER?" said another voice impatiently.

Voldemort spun around.

"Down here!" said the first voice.

Voldemort looked down. There stood two toddlers, neither could be more than three years old. They were both girls, one with chocolate brown hair and blue eyes, the other, slightly shorter with red hair and green eyes.

"Ish dis yours?" asked the red headed toddler, holding up a stick.

"NO! Willow dats _my _stick. Dis one is his stick." Said the brunette toddler, holding up what looked to be…

"HEY! Give me back my wand!" said Voldemort in a whining voice and attempting to grab is wand back.

"NO!" said Willow, grabbing the wand from Ella. "He he he he, I has a magic wand!"

"I WANT A MAGIC WAND!" said Ella.

"But you has a stick." Said Willow, giving Ella back her stick.

"oh yeah… he he he…" said Ella, but then suddenly Voldemort grabbed her stick.

"HEY!" said Ella jumping up and down on Voldemort's toe, "Gimme back my stick!"

Voldemort smiled evilly. "No." he said simply, as he snapped the stick in half.

Ella and Willow looked at each other.

"You're a mean man." Said Ella.

"You don't deserve to have a wand or a stick!" said Willow. And she broke Voldemort's wand in two.

"HEY!" said Voldemort, but Ella and Willow were already running down the street.

" _ARGH!" _Thought Voldemort "_Damn those kids, now I can't apparate AND I'm going to have to take a plane back to England and do you know how hard it is going to be for an evil overlord to walk into a wand shop?!"_

Voldemort started to walk back down the street, thoughts about the orphanage completely forgotten.

"I WILL GET THOSE KIDS!" shouted Voldemort to the street aloud, before stalking off to find a way home.

A/N

And there is my wonderful prologue

Stay tuned xD

ThePurpleGod shall once again be my awesome beta as I attempt to get through another fanfiction. Go read her stories rather then wasting your time here… then again, my stories have wacky random humor

Are, you see, think about it.

~ LilyRose XD


	3. Chapter 1:Sunny Eggs and Lemonade Lemons

A/N

Alright, I admit it, this is a very EXPLANATION chapter.

For those of you who don't know, an explanation chapter pretty much has nothing but 'this is why this happened and this is what you need to know'

Some may know it as an Introduction chapter.

Yes well… apologies for this chapter, but we all know that it has to be done. And it will probably be kidda crap, because I'm going to have to jump around a lot.

BUT

It will most likely be a long chapter to, and those are rare, so enoy

Disclaimer: I own nothing other than that of which I own

Chapter 1: Sunny Eggs and Lemonade Lemons… Something is very wrong here…

~!#$%^&*()_+~

"Willow Tien Lemontine get down here this INSTANT!" shrieked the owner of Betterdale Orphanage, Ms Hinger.

"Someone's in trouble." Said an eleven year old Ella in a sing song voice, and Willow scowled at her full name and began to walk toward the door of Ella and her own bedroom.

"You too Ella Wise!" Ms Hinger screeched. Willow smirked.

"So, what do you think she's found out about?" asked Willow as she and Ella made their way down the unsteady wooden stairs of the Orphanage.

"I dunno… there was the ants we put in the sugar…" started Ella.

"Well we were doing the ants a favor…" said Willow.

"Yeah, and the yellow paint in the butter…" said Ella.

"Hey, it was non toxic wasn't it?!"

"The glue on Ms Hinger's pillow…"

"He he, that was fun."

"Well you can't say we didn't have perfectly good reasons…" said Ella dryly as the two girls turned into the kitchen where Ms Hinger was waiting.

"Girls… these arrived for you." Said Ms Hinger, handing over two letters addressed in purple ink…

~!#$%^&*()_+~

"You know, us being witches actually makes a lot of sense." Said Ella thoughtfully as she and Willow threw their trunks into the green fire.

"Yeah, it explains how we actually managed to explode that vat of combustible liquid down by the defense base." Said Willow, grabbing a handful of the white power that Professor McGonagall had given her and Ella.

"Okay, let's go." Said Ella, also grabbing some white power.

"HOGWARTS!" the two girls shouted, and at once they were spinning very fast through fire places. It seemed like forever before them finally tumbled out of the fire in Professor McGonagall's office.

"Whoa… okay… dizzy…" said Willow, attempting to get up of the rug she had fallen on, and failing.

"Ergh… bloody claustrophobia… "Said Ella, clutching her head with one hand and her stomach with the other.

"Are, girls, glad you could make it." Said Professor McGonagall curtly. "Try not to get any ash on the rugs."

Ella and Willow looked around the office. There were moving pictures scattered all over the walls. Suddenly there was a knock at the door and a man walked in, hunched over with long, very dirty grey hair and a cat at his heals.

"Now girls, it's eleven thirty at night here, the time difference can be quite confusing. All the other first years are arriving tomorrow at six pm. You will be sorted along with them. Mr. Filtch here will show you to our Heads Domitory, seeing as we cannot allow you to sleep in a house dorm yet, you may stay there for the night." Said McGonagall.

Ella and Willow looked around, still slightly dazed from the Floo Power.

"Hey, where did our trunks go?" asked Willow.

"Our house elves have already taken them, they'll be waiting in your respective rooms. I'm sure you'll figure it out, and now, I'm off to bed." Said McGonagall, heading toward the stairs at the back of her room.

"Creepy… teachers actually do sleep in school here…" muttered Ella, as she and Willow following Mr Filtch out of the office into a long corridor.

"Now you'll both behave yourselves tomorrow. No leaving the Heads Dorms until Professor McGonagall comes and gets you." Grunted Filtch as he led the girls toward a staircase. A very long, moving staircase. Followed by another moving staircase. And another. And many many more.

"Okay…" said Willow and she and Ella followed Filtch up to the very top, then down what seemed to be 10 more corridors until they reached a painting of a clown.

"Password." Said the clown.

Ella and Willow jumped, and then looked at each other.

"Awesome!" said Ella.

"The paintings can talk!" said Willow giddily.

The clown looked offended.

"Harris Montas." Said Filtch. The painting swung forward revealing a doorway. And Filtch began to walk away.

"Erm… bye then." Said Willow. Ella rolled her eyes and walked through the door/painting.

They walked into a room painted red with two fireplaces, a couch, four chairs, two desks with lamps and room for books, obviously for studying. There were paintings all over the walls, some smiling, a few waving, but most asleep. Straight ahead were two staircases veering off in opposite directions, and in between them attached to the stone wall was a note.

_Misses Wise and Lemontine, _

_Welcome to Hogwarts. _

_We do hope the sleeping arrangements are suitable for tonight. You see, this room is quite magical. It changes to suit each of its residents wishes. Pick a staircase and at the top you will find your belongings and a room of your choice. _

_Tomorrow you may stay in this dorm, house elves will bring up your meals and you may read or, if you wish, practice magic with your new wands. Now that you are at Hogwarts, no one can stop you. _

_Goodnight. _

_Dumbledore. _

~!#$%^&()_+~

"Hummm… well this is difficult… you're brave, certainly have suffered through hard ships…" said the sorting hat in Willows head.

"Well yeah, I'd say the orphanage was a hardship." Thought Willow dryly.

"But you have cunning… and smarts… and loyalty… so where to put you…" asked the hat, humming slightly.

"I don't know hat, I do believe its your job to figure out." Thought Willow.

"Ummm…" said the hat.

"If I could roll my eyes at you I would. Just put me in the awesome house where the odd people go." Thought Willow.

"That could be any house!" argued the hat.

"…I like purple?" asked Willow.

"There isn't a purple house."

"oh."

"Well you're loyal, and hard working, and you're insane but not in an evil way. And insane people don't like Ravenclaw excepting perhaps that one girl… something to do with the moon.." rambled the hat.

"Get to the point!" thought Willow.

"Well… that rules out Ravenclaw, and you're not a Slytherin I don't think…" said the hat.

"I like badgers." thought Willow.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

~!#$%^&()_+~

"Well… another tricky one… " said the Hat into Ella's ear.

"That's great… " thought Ella sarcastically.

"Humm.. brave but not a Gryffindor, sneaky but not a Slytherin, smart but not a Ravenclaw, loyal but not a Hufflepuff… now contrary to your friend, you seem to fit no where." Said the hat.

"Oh thank you."

"Oh don't worry, I've never met a student that I couldn't place… no lets see… You're not a Slytherin, you have to much morality…"

"I thought you could read people, morality, really?"

"Yes well… you're not a Gryffindor, they pride themselves on their morality… "

"Well I'm not a Ravenclaw, contrary to the popular opinion, having the last name Wise does not help you in the intelligence department…"

"Do you like badgers?"

"BADGER? WHERE?"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

~!#$%^&()_+~

"I still can't believe we're the only two girls in Hufflepuff this year. Its insane…" said Ella, walking up the stairs to the dormitory.

"You know what's every more insane?" asked Willow as she opened the door and collapsed onto one of the five beds.

"There are no badgers in the entire of Hufflepuff's common room or dorms?" guessed Ella, chucking her books onto one of the five beds.

"YES! HOW IT THAT POSSIBLE?" said Willow, glancing at the portrait of a badger the two girls had stolen from a third floor corridor. "Well at least we have Snipe."

"Yes, Snipe the Badger." Said Ella grinning.

!#$%^&()_+~

"I can't believe we have to go back to the orphanage for the summer." Complained Ella, as she threw one of the fifty or so books on her bed into her trunk.

"I know, and worse still, back in Australia we'll have to go to school! They aren't even on holidays! Bah, stupid England and its backward Holiday system!" said Willow, walking across the room and looking under one of the three unoccupied beds. "Have you seen my purple quill?"

"Nup, ask Snipe, he knows where everything is." Said Ella absentmindedly as she threw a few library books she hadn't yet returned onto another bed.

Snipe pointed his nose toward the rug in the middle of the room.

"YAY!" said Willow as she lifted the rug to find her awesome purple quill.

"Well at least we get to go back to Australia, even if it is annoying with school, its not like we have to try hard anyway, we're witches, what good is maths going to do us?" said Ella, finally closing her trunk. "Remind me not to read so much next year."

"Like you'll listen."

"Good point."

~!#$%^&()_+~

"Watch it!" exclaimed a bespectacled **(A/N new favorite word, bespectacled) **boy with jet black hair.

"Sorry!" said Ella, grabbing her trunk before it fell onto someone else's foot.

"You should be." Said the boy.

"Don't mind him, he's just a bit… angry…" said a girl from behind him with bushy brown hair and bucktooth teeth. "His thinks his godfather was refereeing the last quidditch match so that Ravenclaw would win instead of Gryffindor."

"Hey look, a three leaf clover!" said a red headed boy.

"Right…" said Willow.

"I'm Hermione Granger by the way, and the is Ron Weasley, and Harry Potter. We're in third year." Explained Hermione.

"I'm Ella and that's Willow. We're in first year." Said Ella.

"Why you speak funny?" asked Ron.

"Erm… we're from Australia." Said Willow, backing away slowly.

"Yeah, bye…" said Ella.

"Well. That was strange." Said Willow and she and Ella headed off in the opposite direction to everyone else.

"Ergh, I don't wanna Floo back to Australia, I almost died last time." Complained Ella.

"Claustrophobia isn't death. Wait… yes it is." Said Willow.

"Exactly."

~!#$%^&()_+~

"Welcome, everyone, to another year at Hogwarts. Thank you to all students who were kind enough to reframe from 'freaking out' over the Triwizard Tournament rumors. They are indeed true. The Twiwizard Tournament will be held at Durmstrang this year, and all Sixth and Seventh year student wishing to participate please inform Professor McGonagall after the feast." Said Professor Dumbledore.

The hall was immediately filled with talking as the feast started.

"Does that mean we get rid of older students for the year?" asked Ella.

"I don't know, I'm still replaying Dumbledore saying 'freaking out' in my head." Said Willow.

~!#$%^&*()_+~

"Welcome, everyone, to another year at Hogwarts. And now, seeing as I'm famished, I will leave you with these words." Said Professor Dumbledore, taking a seat.

"Good words." Said Ella.

"Very entertaining." Said Willow.

~!#$%^&()_+~

"Welcome, everyone, to another year at Hogwarts…" started Professor Dumbledore.

"Can you believe it's out forth year?" whispered Ella.

"I know, its freaky." Said Willow.

"Now, this year I actually do have something to say. Some of you may have heard stories from your parents about the notorious dark wizard, Lord Voldemort. Now, many of you may also have keep up with the news of recent muggle attacks.  
"Indeed the two are connected. It is with regret that I inform you all, Lord Voldemort has returned."

~!#$%^&()_+~

A/N

DUN DUN DUN

Okay, so, sorry, that was a very filler chapter of 1, 836 words xD

But now you know, Ella and Willow are in Hufflepuff, forth year. Voldemort is back. Snipe is awesome

And now, the return of my awesome LIST

For those of you who have read The Doctor Down Under, you may recognize my lists. xD

A) he he he, bespectacled  
2) Ergh, claustrophobia  
iii) Snipe! I admit, I may have heard the name from somewhere… Lol, I give full credit to the movie _Up! _For the word/name snipe. However, my awesome badger portrait Snipe belongs to Willow and Ella  
D) Expect Voldy in the next chapter… but you didn't hear it from me

Thnx 4 reading

Review xD

~ Lilyrose4321


	4. Chapter 2: Classic Humour

Disclaimer: I own all the Harry Potter books. Seriously, I mean I have two copies of the first and the second, three copies of the third, one of the fourth and fifth, two of the six and two of the seventh. They are currently sitting on my bookshelf xD

Chapter 2: Classic Humour

"Who the hell is Voldemort?" asked Ella.

"I dunno, some dark wizard person." Willow shrugged, getting up from the table. The great hall was almost empty.

"Stupid crowds, why do so many people have to eat here?" complained Ella, walking toward the door.

"OhMyGod!" shrieked someone in a fake American accent.

"I know, it's like, totally awesome." Screamed someone else.

Ella and Willow raised their eyebrows at each other, and hid behind the jam.

"A purple sparkly dress! Ahh! I can't wait to wear it with my silver high heels!"

Willow looked traumatized.

Ella laughed.

Then quickly shut up.

"Like, did you hear that?" asked the second voice, still in a fake American accent.

Ella quickly dived under the table.

Willow face palmed.

As she looked up she saw two brunettes. One very tall, around 5 foot 11, the other an average height, maybe 5 foot 5. Both had trace amounts of make up on, with their hair done with about fifty different sparkly things and both wearing Ravenclaw ties.

"Ha… umm... there's my… spork…" said Willow, jumping up and putting a spork on the table.

"Erm… I like, see you…" said the shorter one of the two to Ella.

"I… dropped the jam…" said Ella, picking the jam up and dropping it, then picking it up and putting it on the table. "Cool a spork!"

"Right…" said the tall one, reverting back to what was clearly her actual accent.

"You from the north?" asked Willow.

"Nup, the south of London." Said tall person.

"Damn…" said Willow. "I wanna meet someone from the north!"

"I'm Katherine by the way. Katherine Valentine." Said the shorter one.

Ella and Willow glanced at each other.

Valentine… right…

"I'm Victoria Royal." Said the tall one.

"Ella… Wise…" said Ella, trying not to laugh.

"Willow." Said Willow.

"Got a last name?" asked Katherine.

"No." said Willow.

Ella rolled her eyes.

"Willow Lemontine."

Willow glared.

"So anyway, we'd better get up to the dormitory, Snipe will be wondering where we are." Said Ella, smiling as she turned to leave.

"Whose Snipe?" asked Victoria.

"A Badger." Said Willow, suddenly grinning as she and Ella ran off.

"BA HA HA." Ella burst out laughing as soon as she an Willow were out of earshot.

"Oh… funny… Victoria Royal…" said Willow, leaning on the wall.

"Katherine Valentine…" said Ella, sitting down she was laughing so hard.

"It's not even that funny." Said Willow, still laughing.

"It's like we stepping into a soap opera!" said Ella.

They both tried to stop laughing.

"Oh we are sad…" said Willow.

"And insane, but we're happy." Said Ella grinning.

Willow raised an eyebrow.

"Well… happy in a… pessimistic kidda way…" said Ella.

"Yes." Said Willow.

"Oh, Valentine and Royal… ah classic." Said Willow and she and Ella started to walk toward the Hufflepuff dormitory.

"What's classic?" asked a voice.

Ella and Willow spun around to find two more girls standing behind them. One looked like she was Chinese. She was fairly short, about 5 foot 2, with long dark hair and a significant amount of eyeliner on. The other was about 5 foot 5 or 6 with slightly longer then shoulder length red hair and blue eyes.

Both were wearing Slytherin ties.

"Er… hello." Said Ella.

"HI!!!!" said the shorter one.

"Don't mind her, she's hyper." Said the red haired one dryly. "Hey! You have red hair!"

"How observant of you." Said Willow.

"Right… well I'm Serena, and that's Aqua." Said the red head.

"I'm Ella, that's Willow." Said Ella.

"Why do you sound funny?" asked Aqua, tilting her head to the side.

"We're Australian." Said Willow grinning.

"Then why are you at Hogwarts?" asked Serena.

"Because we're awesome. Now, we've got to go find Snipe, he was trying to run away this morning…" said Ella, turning to go.

"Aqua! Serena!" squealed a voice.

"Hey Angie!" said Aqua, as a girl with short black hair and a Gryffindor tie ran down the hallway.

"You guys ditched me! The Slytherins in the dungeons were glaring!" said Angie.

"Aww, sorry!" said Aqua.

And that was when Ella and Willow snuck away and hid behind the statue of a pineapple.

"Where'd the random Hufflepuffs go?" asked Serena's voice.

"I dunno." Said Aqua's voice and the three girls began to walk away.

"Well… thank you mister pineapple." Said Willow.

"Yes, we humbling thank you and say MAGIC COCOAPPLE!" said Ella.

And the Magic CoCoApple appeared.

"We has a friend for you. Enjoy." Said Willow as she and Ella walked away.

~!#$%^&*()_+~

"But Lord, you cannot simply walk into a wand shop!"

"IT HAS BEEN ELEVEN YEARS! I AM WALKING INTO A WAND SHOP!"

And so Voldemort apparated to the wand shop.

But you see he could not go to Ollivanders. Diagon Ally was a open, to well known. And so…

"Welcome to Oleanders!" said Oleander in a Norwegian accent.

"Hello." Said Voldemort underneath his Hilter mustache. "I would like to buy a wand."

"Ah… but you're a full grown man." Said Oleander.

"A full grown man who has had to borrow and incessant moron's wand for eleven years." Muttered Voldemort .

"Excuse me?"

"… there was an accident at work. I just need a wand okay?" said Voldemort.

"Right…" said Oleander.

And so Voldemort tested 23 wands before…

"AH!" shrieked Voldemort as red and redder sparks flew out of the tip of a unicorn and holly wand.

"That's the one." Said Oleander. "That'll be 9 galleons."

"But… but… it's a girls wand!" whined Voldermort.

"I'm sorry?"

"Its all… holly-y and unicorn-ish. ITS GIRLY!" whined Voldemort

~!#$%^&*()_+~

"SNIPE!"

"SNIPE!"

And so Snipe appeared.

"He he he." Laughed Ella.

"What?" asked Willow.

"Snipe has a bamboo flute!" said Ella.

"Ohhh! BAMBOO FLUTE!" said Willow, trying to grab the flute.

"… it's a painting…"

"Oh yeah…"

"Yep…"

"… well… I feel like a doughnut." Said Willow, walking over to the doughnut machine.

"Eh… I was a mango smoothie." Said Ella.

"Thank god we have this book." Said Willow, holding up the _Random Spells and Useless Charms 4__th__ edition. _

~!#$%^&*()_+~

A/N

And that was my awesome second chapter

I did not mean to offend anyone whose names are Valentine or Royal… I just find that funny

Anyway

A) he he he, I love that book. Trust me. That book will re appear.

2) Ella and Willows wand types will be revealed.

iii) RETURN OF THE AWESOME MAGIC COCOAPPLE

D) Who else has noticed that Hufflepuff is the randomest house? My proof

Griffindor has a Griffin

Ravenclaw, raven

Slytherin, snakes that slither.

Hufflepuff. Badger.

See, random. It works.

Anyway, read and review and read again!

xDD

~Lilyrose XD


	5. Chapter 3: Forth Year Idiots

A/N

My friends have been correcting me. -.-

They kept insisting that Gryffindor was a lion, not a griffin

I know, I know, they are right, but in mythical times, lions were griffins… and that prove my point

I had a point

Yes I did –stubborness-

So, I have a warning

WARNING: The following chapter contains immense stupidity based on real life situations (ie. My geography and Chinese classes and the idiots that they contain) Read at your own risk, I hear stupidity is contagious.

WARNING (CONT.): This is where the swearing starts, and slight innuendo. So it you don't like that sort of language or humour then I suggest you stop reading this crackfic.

Disclaimer: I own what I own, so ha.

Chapter 3: Forth Year Idiots

"Ergh, I forgot we had to go to classes when we came here." Said Ella.

"Well done." Said Willow.

Ella and Willow were on their way to muggle studies. Oh joy.

"Why? Why did we take this class?" asked Ella dramatically, ignoring peoples stares.

"Because we didn't want to take Divination." Said Willow as the two turned into the classroom.

"Oh yeah… but at least in Divination we can make stuff up. I'm thinking muggle studies will have to make us think. You know, because we're muggle borns, they'll expect us to know stuff." Said Ella, sitting down.

"Yeah, that's gonna suck. Who are we with, Slytherins?" asked Willow.

"Ravenclaws." Said Ella.

And then they heard a voice.

And another voice.

"No." said Willow.

"Please Jo Jo the all knowing goat, no!" prayed Ella.

"Like, oh my god, I know those too!" said a fake American accent.

"Like, oh my god, its Willow and Ella." Said another.

"Like, oh my god, kill me now." Said Ella, as Katherine Valentine and Victoria Royal sat took the seat behind them.

Willow hit her head on the table. Ella face palmed.

"Oh this is going to be _fun_." Said Willow, not even attempting to smile and she and Ella turned to face the scary girly Ravenclaws.

"Hi!" said Katherine (thankfully not in an American accent)

"Helloo!" said Victoria.

"He…" said Ella.

"Ah… he.. ha… eoh…" said Willow.

Ella raised an eyebrow. Willow grinned.

And thankfully Professor Whensworth walked in.

"Okay students, take your seats." She said, walking to the front of the room.

"Now today we will be discussing common muggle food and drink. Can anyone tell me, how muggles grow their own food." Asked Whensworth.

Willow drew a monkey eating a carrot and Ella played with tarot cards.

"They grow vegetables on trees." Said a voice.

"Very good Mr Dimm, and what sorts of vegetables do they grow on trees." Asked Whensworth.

"Tomato's and Potato's." said "Mr Dimm".

Ella and Willow looked up.

"Excuse me?" whispered Willow. Ella snickered.

"That guy is so going to get told of." Said Ella.

"Very good." Said Whensworth.

"What?" said Ella incredulously.

"Potato's are roots." Said Willow. "They grow underground."

"And tomato's are fruits… except in America, where they have a random law that says they are vegetables. But I thought I was in England… wow I'm bad at geometry…" said Ella.

"Geography." Said Willow.

"That too." Said Ella.

Willow face palmed.

"Excuse me girls, but what exactly are you rambling on about?" asked Whensworth.

"Isn't anyone else here Muggle born?" asked Ella.

Silence.

"Oh god." Said Willow.

"Well this class is going to be sh-" started Ella.

Then she spotted Professor Whensworth.

"Shemplton…" said Ella.

"Huh?" said Willow.

"It's a word!" said Ella. "It means sh…emplton."

"Ah, just like folentine means folentine." Said Willow.

"Exactly." Said Ella.

"GIRLS" shouted Professor Whensworth.

"Yes?" asked Ella and Willow.

"DENTENSION!" shouted Whensworth.

"oh." Said Ella.

"Now, if we could kindly continue with class. We know that Vegetables, such as tomato and potato grow on trees. What sorts of other things to muggles grow for themselves?" asked Whensworth.

A Ravenclaw girl up the back raised her hand.

"Yes miss Flowly?"

"They grow Milk and butter in fields." Said "Miss Flowly".

Ella dropped her head desked. Willow raised her hand.

Whensworth sighed.

"Yes Miss Lemontine?"

"They also grow carrots and onions underground." Said Willow.

"No, I'm afraid not Miss Lemontine. Carrots grow in water and onions are not food, they make wonderful doorstops. Now, please stop interrupting the class with your nonsense." Said Whensworth.

Ella grabbed her textbook, flipping through it.

"Oh… argh, look. The textbook agrees with the idiots and the teacher." Whispered Ella.

When class finally ended Ella and Willow ran out of the classroom.

"Oh good jo jo." Said Ella.

"Carrots grow in water?"

"Onions are doorstops?"

"Lettuce is made by a bird called the 'm-u'?"

"ARGH!" said Ella. "Who the hell wrote these textbooks?"

"Some person called 'Gilderoy Lockart'." Said Willow

"Well, at least we know class can't get any worse." Said Ella, as she and Willow headed off to Ancient Runes.

"Okay, so why are we taking this class?" asked Willow.

"Because Arithmancy is too much like maths." Said Ella

"Ah, okay." Said Willow.

"Oh god." Said Ella suddenly as the two turned into the ancient runes classroom, which was completely empty.

"It's only the second class on the first day." Said Ella.

Willow paused.

And then head-desked.

"Jo Jo damn classes. I guess it can't be as bad as Muggle Stuidies. We're with the Gryffindors right? They seem okay enough." Said Ella.

"Yeah I guess." Said Willow as people started to file into the classroom.

"So wait… taking a shower can give you foot fungus?" asked a girl walking past.

"Yeah." Said he friend. "It's called Tin-ear or something."

"… but not, like your own shower right. Just icky public ones?" said the girl.

"Oh yeah, defiantly." Said her friend. Ella smiled.

"You know Willow, you're right, there are a lot of Gryffindor girls in our year." Said Ella loudly.

"Huh?" said Willow, playing with her airplane.

"I mean, there are so many Gryffindor girls sharing the same _showers_." Said Ella, pointing to the two girls who were clearly listening.

"Oh… yeah… umm… great place for fungi to grow…" said Willow.

And the two Gryffindor girls jumped up, screaming, and ran away.

"Oh, funny. That was almost to easy." Said Ella grinning.

"KNEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOW" said Willow, playing with the paper plane.

And that's when Professor Lupin walked in.

"Okay class. Take your seats. Today will be a writing lesson. Take out your parchment and begin copying these Runes. There will be a test next Monday." Said Lupin, waving his wand as 20 Runes appeared on the board.

"Well he seems tired." Whispered Ella.

"Best kind of teacher, one that simply doesn't give a damn." Said Willow, grinning as she and Ella quickly copied out the Runes.

Five minutes later they were done.

"A whole lesson of nothingness. Awesome." Said Willow, looking around at the class.

Everyone was talking, and apperantly they all wanted homework because no one appeared to have copied anything down.

"You know, we never actually talk about anything interesting." Said a boy sitting behind Ella and Willow.

"Well that's going to be an interesting convocation." Said Ella, as the boys friend began talking about mouth guards.

"This is going to be one of those lessons isn't it?" said Willow.

"Huh?"

"Easy, boring and full of forth year idiots."

"Ah."

"Hey! I'm not an idiot!" said a familiar voice.

Ella and Willow looked to their left to find the girl that had been the distraction they needed to hide behind a pineapple.

"Oh… hello." Said Ella.

"Angie right?" said Willow.

"Yep." Said Angie. "Can I sit with you guys, everyone else is being stupid."

Ella laughed. "Sure, sit."

Angie grinned.

~!#$%^&*()_+~

"She was nice." Said Ella as she and Willow walked to their next class.

"I still can't believe her last name is Fistface. She's so… not Fistface. She's all nice and awesome." Said Willow.

"I know, but Fistface. Gotta admit, classic last name." said Ella as the two rounded into their next class.

"Wait… where are we now?" asked Ella, looking around.

"Herbology with the Slytherins." Said Willow, walking along the greenhouse floor toward a plant that was trying to stangle anything it could reach.

"Ooh, awesome plant!" said Ella.

"PIGEON!" said Willow, pointing outside.

"Hello pigeon!" said Ella.

"Hello!" said Willow

The pigeon remained silent.

"Hey! I said Hello! Pigeon!" said Willow angrily. "Pigeon is ignoring me! Bad pigeon!"

And that's when Professor sprout walked in.

"Okay, everyone. Today we will be juicing flubber worms." Said Sprout.

"Oh joy." Said Willow.

And 15 minutes later, Ella, Willow and the two hyper Slytherins Serena and Aqua were working at he same desk.

"So…" said Serena.

"So…" said Ella.

"I just realized that 'country' has a really bad word in it." Said Aqua.

And the four girls burst out laughing.

"That's… really awful…" said Willow. "Ergh, I will never be able to learn geography ever again!"

"Evil." Said Ella.

"Yep, that's us." Said Serena grinning.

".. yeah I'm okay with that." Said Ella as she finished juicing her last flubber worm.

Willow grinned.

"Evil is more fun anyway."

"Yep, it is Lemontine, it is." Said Serena. Willow scowled.

"I laugh at you." Said Ella to Willow.

"Well that's very _Wise._" Said Aqua

"Oh, like I haven't heard that one before… wait, what's your last name?" asked Ella.

"Salvatore." Said Aqua.

"Salvatore… isn't that a shoe brand?"

"Shut up."

Ella grinned.

"What about you?" Willow asked Serena. "What's your last name?"

"Fuck it."

"…eh?" said Willow as Ella burst out laughing.

"As in f-u-k-e-t-t-e. Fukette." Said Serena grinning.

"Oh brilliant." Said Ella, as the four girls walked out of the greenhouse to lunch.

A/N

Okay, so that's that chapter.

A) Fistface and Fukette. Interesting names don't you think?

2) Voldy is returning. And yes, this is a crackfic. But I've been setting out a bunch of stuff so far. It's going to get much crazier. It shall be fun.

iii) Who else misses Snipe?

D) How scary does everyone else find it, that the forth year idiots are based on people I know? Seriously, actual people think these things. Ah, funny

Okay, I'll update soon I think. Well… I hope.

Read and Review xD

~LilyRose xD


	6. Chapter 4: Detention v Double Potions

A/N

Hello again

New chapter, MWAHHAHAHAHAHA

Of course, I am currently putting of all my very important homework to write a crackfic… well, I guess that's the price I must pay for entertainment.

Anyway, this is a continuation of the last chapter, the rest of the day and how it unfolds. Ah fun.

Disclaimer: I own… well I'm sure I own a flashlight. But i don't own Pokemon, Pigeons or Potions… okay I own potions but don't tell anyone.

WARNING: okay, yes, violence, swearing, innuendo. But come on, crackfic.

Chapter 4: Detention v Double Potions

"Hurry up would you?" said Ella impatiently. "I have a motto, too slow and I'll ditch you… unless I'm too lazy to ditch you… which I am so hurry up!"

Aqua and Willow stopped chasing the pigeon and Serena and Ella began to walk up the steps toward the entrance hall.

"But it's a pigeon!" said Willow.

"Yeah, that you've been chasing around for five minutes. I'm hungry; we can come back and chase the pigeon when we have food." Said Ella.

"I hope they have strawberries…" said Aqua.

"Wh-?" almost-asked Willow

"Don't ask." Said Serena as the four girls rounded into the Great Hall.

And Ella immediately turned back around.

"Er… Ella… food…" Willow reminded her.

"But there are too many people." Complained Ella.

"This is true… but they have grapes... and cashews..." said Willow grinning.

Ella turned back around.

"Okay, grab what you can and then get out, I am not eating in here." Said Willow, looking around.

"Why not?" asked Serena.

"Well for one thing, there are no pigeons. And there are way too many annoying people… " said Willow, grabbing some fried rice

"Plus me and Willow have a free next period, so we can just stay outside." Said Ella, picking up some grapes.

"He he, pigeons. Serena, lets to feed the pigeons strawberries!" said Aqua.

"Whatever, we have a free next too, we may as well get away from the rest of the school." Said Serena.

"Hey, wait a minute." Said Ella, walking over to the Gryffindor table.

"So… can I copy your homework?" some blonde girl asked Angie.

"…no?" asked Angie.

"Oh, come on Fistface!" whined the blonde girl.

"Hey Angie, come on!" said Ella. "You said you'd come meet us."

"I did..."

"Yup…"

"Okay." Said Angie getting up and leaving the blonde girl to torture someone else.

"Why is she asking her to come?" Aqua asked Willow as Ella and Angie walked over.

"Because she's Angie." Said Willow.

And so the five girls went to find somewhere to sit. Walking out into the busy courtyard they quickly turned and walked up a flight of stairs onto a completely deserted balcony.

Well… almost completely deserted.

"Oh My God."

"No." said Willow.

"Not again…" said Ella.

"What?" asked Serena.

"Ella! Willow! Hi!" said Katherine Valentine. Serena raised her eyebrows.

"Want to sit with us?" asked Victoria Royal.

And that's when Willow noticed the three pigeons sitting on the roof opposite the balcony.

"PIGEONS!" she said, and her and Aqua immediately went over and sat down. Ella rolled her eyes as she, Serena and Angie followed.

"Fine then… I guess there are pigeons…" said Ella.

"Move it." Said Serena to Victoria and she sat down next to Aqua.

"Say please."

"No."

Victoria frowned.

""Er… Serena, Angie, Aqua, Victoria, Katherine…" Ell introduced. " Why do we know people who don't know each other?"

"I dunno… must be our awesomeness…" said Willow, trying to get the pigeons to come down of the ledge.

Angie sat down and threw some bread onto the balcony a few feet away.

That's when one of the pigeons flew down.

"HELLO PIGOEN!" said Willow, throwing some more bread. "Thank you Angie."

"The pigeons need names…" said Angie.

"Yes." Said Ella nodding.

"That one is greenfeet." Said Willow, pointing to the one of the balcony.

"But he doesn't have green feet…" said Serena.

"No, but he's greenfeet." Said Willow shaking her fist.

"Hello greenfeet!" said Aqua, throwing a strawberry at the pigeon.

"DON'T THROW STRAWBERRY AT GREENFEET!!!!!!!!!" said Willow.

"Hey, you guys know Pokemon?" asked Serena.

There was a chorus of yes from everyone, except Victoria.

"You don't know Pokemon?" asked Willow.

"How?" asked Ella.

"I mean, sort of do. There's Pickachu… and that other one… the turtle…"

"Squirtle…" said Serena.

"Yeah!" said Victoria.

"Oh-kay then… anyway… how about Pigeotto? For one of the pigeons." Asked Serena.

And then Pidgeotto came down of the roof onto the balcony.

"He he, he knows his name." said Angie.

"Hello Pidgeotto." Said Aqua, throwing a grape at the pidgeon.

"DON'T THROW GRAPES AT PIDGEOTTO!!!!!!" said Willow.

"Humm… that one is Pidge-pidge…" said Ella, pointing to one of the last two pigeons on the roof.

The other pideon flew down.

"Okay, sorry, that one is pidge-pidge."

"Hello pidge-pidge." Said Aqua, throwing a cashew at pidge-pidge.

"DON'T THROW CASHEWS AT PIDGE-PIDGE!!!!!!!" said Willow.

"Okay, what about the other one."

"Cakeface." Said Aqua.

"Aww, that's mean." Said Angie.

That's when cakeface flew down onto the balcony.

"But it seems to be his name…" said Serena, grinning.

~!#$%^&*()_+~ 4 seconds later ~!#$%^&*()_+~

"DON'T THROW CAKE AT CAKEFACE!!!!!!!!!!" said Willow

~!#$%^&*()_+~ meanwhile ~!#$%^&*()_+~

"Okay, now… how to get into the castle…" muttered Voldemort, standing outside the Hogwarts gates with Wormtail at his side. "Now that I have my wand-"

"Girly wand…" giggled Wormtail.

"Giggled the fully grown man." Said Voldemort mockingly.

"Shutting up boss."

"Now, as I was saying, now that I have my girly wa… NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! Now I'm saying it. Go and run a lap of Hogwarts for your… severe… misbehavior… or something of the sort." Said Voldemort, sending a few red sparks at Wormtail as he scuttled off.

"Humm.. get into the castle… get into the castle… I KNOW! I'll turn the gates into a tree!" said Voldemort. "Oh but… I can't climb trees…"

And that's when the Magic CoCoApple appeared

"Okay Voldy, I have two grenades and five atom… whatcha doing?" asked the Magic CoCoApple.

"I must get into this school!" said Voldemort

"Well.. I could help… but Ella and Willow wouldn't be happy…" said the CoCoApple.

"Ah but you would get to make more bombs…" said Voldemort.

"Okay, I shall come to the other dark side." Annouced the CoCoApple.

"Other?" asked Voldemort indignantly.

"Well Ella and Willow aren't exactly the good side…"

"Ah true…"

"But tell me, does your dark side also have cookies?" asked the CoCoApple.

"Oh yes." Lied Voldemort.

And the Magic CoCoApple turned over to the other dark side under false pretences.

~!#$%^&*()_+ After meanwhile ~!#$%^&*()_+~

"Neither of us have ever said sparkly purple dress…" said Katherine to Ella.

"Well no, but you see, my ears don't take in actual fashion terms, they just automatically translate into easier to understand statements." Said Ella, eating her last cashew.

"Well it might have been that purple sparkly dress that I was talking about the other day…" said Katherine.

"The one that goes with the sliver far too high heeled shoes?" squealed Victoria.

"See, now I just heard sparkly dress and far to high heels, and that can't be right…" whispered Ella to Angie and Victoria and Katherine began raving about some outfit or another.

"Erm, guys, free period ends in five minutes." Said Aqua.

"Damn." Said Serena as all the girls got up. "We have History of Magic." She said to Aqua.

"I'm in the class too." Said Angie.

"YAY!" said Aqua, hugging Angie and Serena.

"Ergh, we have potions." Said Ella.

"Oh yay." Said Willow.

"I think we have Arithmancy…" said Victoria.

"You actually took that class?" asked Serena.

"It's the hardest class you can take." Said Ella.

"Oh well that explains it." Said Willow. Victoria grinned.

"Hey, she forced me into it." Said Katherine. "And besides, she does the homework for me because she actually enjoys it."

"I can't even be bothered raising my eyebrows." Said Ella and all seven girls walked into the entrance, only to be cornered by Professor McGonagall.

"These are the culprits." Said a voice from behind the Professor. It was the blonde girl that Ella had rescued Angie from earlier. "They did it."

"Who are you?" asked Serena.

"I'm Ivy, Ivy Daniels." Said the blonde girl.

"You poor thing, please tell me you don't have to share a dorm with her." Ella whispered to Angie.

"She's in the other Girls Dorm, thank god." Muttered Angie.

"What did we do?" asked Willow.

"Oh don't act dumb." Said Ivy.

"Ms Daniels believes that you girls were behind turning the clouds in the green hall green with pea pods and having it rain peas and purple liquid I can only assume was cordial." Said Professor McGonagall curtly. "I'm afraid you will be cleaning the Great Hall for the rest of the day, unless you have some sort of alibi's."

"No, we did it." Said Serena. "Little practical joke for the start of the year."

"What??" said Victoria, practically screaming.

"You guys want to get out of Potions?" muttered Serena.

"Yup, it was us." Said Willow quickly.

"Yeah, completely us." Said Ella, trying to so grin.

"Yeah, I helped." Said Angie, having to desire to join Ivy in History of Magic without Serena and Aqua.

"They helped to." Said Serena quickly, pointing toward Victoria and Katherine.

Katherine shrugged. "Yeah okay."

Victoria was to shocked to speak.

"Very well girls, into the Great Hall, you will find everything you need there to clean, and no magic." Said Professor McGonagall, ushering the seven girls into the Great Hall, as they handed over there wands.

"Bye Ivy." Said Angie.

"Have fun in History, without Angie's help that is." Said Serena evilly. Ivy's face dropped as the Great Halls' doors slammed.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!? MY PERFECT RECORD, RUINED!" exploded Victoria.

"Oh come on, everyone has to have detention once, and McGonagall had no choice but to make us clean this now, everyone has to eat in a few hours. This almost never happens; we get to skip class for detention." Said Serena happily.

"But this is going to take us hours!" complained Victoria, looking around at the mess.

"No it's not." Said Ella grinning.

"Huh?" said Katherine.

"MAGIC COCOAPPLE!" shouted Willow.

"Yes?" said the CoCoApple.

"Can you…" asked Ella, looking around the Hall.

And CoCoApple magic cleaned the Hall.

"Awesome." Said Willow.

"Thanks." Said Ella grinning.

"No problem." Smiled the CoCoApple as he disappeared.

~!#$%^&*()_+~ Instantaneously soon ~!#$%^&*()_+~

"Did you do as they asked?" asked Voldemort.

"Yes, they trust me." Said the CoCoApple.

"Good. MWAH HA HA AHA HA HA HA HA." Cackled Voldemort.

He then coughed.

"Damn, I have to work on that…"

And that's when Wormtail got back from his run.

A/N

And there is my wonderfully new chapter.

Read and Review xD

LIST OF DOOM

A) he he, pigeons. Who doesn't love pigeons? I pity that person.

2) Snipe isn't back yet, it's a travesty.

iii) Ivy Daniels, who else thinks they are going to hear her name again?

D) THE COCOAPPLE IS THE OTHER EVIL! AHHHHHHH!

Well, I shall update soon ish, but once again, don't hold me to that.

GIANT GREEN WOMBAT

~ LilyRose xD


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